What’s so deeply unsettling about this and why all of these people can fuck off is because this gets into lesbians head. At least in my experience. You have a homophobe living inside of your head, telling you that instead of basing your sexuality largely around your active attractions, it should be based on hypothetical ones too. So, if hypothetically you can dream up the perfect guy exception, then why identify as a lesbian? Hypothetically. Come on, girl, if you think about it, right?
And no, it is never used in the reverse. People in this post are saying that male sexuality is seen as more fixed as women’s, and I think that’s only scratching the surface. What it really is is that male sexuality is seen as more powerful than women’s. It’s active. It’s a force. The sexuality of women is acquiescent. It’s a prop. It’s the Heisenberg principle — it cannot be seen unless you shoot photons at it. In this case, a dude or a dick (but this is a cissexist world, so when hetero girls shout “I LIKE DICK” defensively — or bi or ‘fluid’ girls do it to reassure men — or men tell a woman all she needs is a dick, they really mean cis male of course ). It’s why women can be tainted or stained. It’s why men can only be “tainted” by another man (gay!!!). The sexuality of women is receiving, it is something that reacts, rather than acts. It’s not powerful in the way that male sexuality is seen. It can be “powerful” in this pornified way where a woman is dripping with desire and must be satisfied in a way that’s quite conveniently in tune with patriarchy.
I’ve wrote about it a bit on my tumblr but my rants tend to be shitty, this is why gay men can get drunk and attempt to make out with me, and no one cares. This is why Dan Savage can admit that when he was lonely and there was a dearth of gay men available, he’d receive oral from women sometimes in his youth or be driven into their arms, and no one drills him about the pleasure he got from that. This is why a hetero man can’t be considered hetero after he’s done “stuff” with a guy. His history with women no longer matters in the powerful presence of the penis.
Same with bi girls. By and large, they are mostly considered hetero, or hetero-leaning. Never mind the fact that statistically, any given bi woman will have more men interested and available to her to date. This is also why when bi women are assumed to be lesbian, it’s usually to assuage a threat or a fear that men will take her away. This is why lesbians are a huge affront to anybody. They are seen as a complete anomaly, and the only way to work with that is to completely attempt to mindfuck them. Which is what people do. They drill lesbians mentally and grill them, asking them about instances in the past. Did you love your husband? Did you enjoy sex with your old boyfriend? What about that guy you slept with last year when you were drunk and lonely? What about that crush you had on your coworker when you were nineteen? And if there are no past instances, well, then, we look to the present and the future! If they’re still holding on to their lesbianism, go to the hypothetical! No one can 100% for sure say what they’d do in theoretical situations, right? She’s bound to finally give in and admit, that in some instances, she’d be with a man. Which eclipses everything about her. That’s what matters, right? And if she still denies she’d be with a man, she’s delusional or man hating.
This is why queer women are told to question and explore and reconsider far more. Their identity is just not seen as solid. The closer your identity is to revolving around men, and your desire for men, the more solidified it will be seen as. Add that to the fact that as women, we’re taught to relate to ourselves and our desires in accordance to BEING desired, and those who dictate what desirability is happen to be the men that gaze at us or give us attention. That many of us can’t gauge or navigate our desirability based on women alone since we don’t know who wants us or who just wants our outfit or hair teehee. That we’re seen as property for men, and that in the end, many of us DO want motherhood or marriage, or to adhere to pleasing our parents or grandparents, all of these happen and occur within a hetero framework…
It’s just more likely that all of this works together to steer women towards a heterosexual “lifestyle.” Not orientation…
And it’s why it is strange when people get surprised that a lesbian has been married before or has had children or has been with mostly men and hasn’t come out until later in life.
This is a very good, super glorious rant about Objects v Subjects. This whole argument is semiotics, really.
If “woman” is a sign for “men’s pleasure toy” and “man” is a sign for “all powerful social ruler”, well, how could any woman ever choose to turn down a man? It would be like a blow up doll turning down the love of God.
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