Via Better Than You
“I’ve known a number of abusive men in my lifetime. And you’d never know by looking at them. You probably wouldn’t even know it by talking to them for five or ten minutes (although you do begin to recognize certain traits in certain kinds of abusers – but the smart ones know how to hide it).
Sometimes women don’t find out that their partners are abusive until they become pregnant. … Sometimes women only find out their partners are abusive once their partners get drunk. And hey, sometimes we even get clues early on but sometimes we don’t know they’re clues. Or maybe we’ll ignore the clue. Or maybe the abuser will manipulate us into thinking we are crazy or mess with our heads so that we no longer trust our own instincts. Or maybe we’ll leave. But the idea that women can somehow predict which men are abusive (whether it is verbal, emotional, or physical – and often all these forms of abuse work in congruence) and then avoid said abuse is bunko.”
This principle (an extension of Schroedinger’s Rapist) is one of the reasons women do not necessarily want men in their political movements or collective houses or reading groups. This principle is why many women don’t trust men period, and why most women don’t trust men they’ve just met. This principle is one of the reasons women may become political lesbians/lesbians by choice. This principle is one of the reasons women might simply wish to not have sex with or date or work with or hang out with certain dudes. This principle is why people who tell women to “loosen up” or “be nicer” or “just trust” because they can easily avoid abuse by being “more careful” can all go collectively piss up a rope.
We have our reasons. And they are very good reasons.