Miranda. 23. Filipina-Australian, cisgender, and bisexual lady-type. Useless wastrel who daydreams in sequins, comic book expressions and musical numbers.

You might know me from that one glasses meme.

Prone to posting intersectional feminist quotes, various and varying babes, items of the literary and comic nerd culture and the occasional tentacle.

Any reaction images/gifs I post (unless they are of my face) are almost definitely not mine.

Anonymous: Why do abuse victims often keep getting into abusive relationships with other men? I mean I know it's hard to get away when you feel that's what you deserve but, how do these men keep finding them?


You hit the nail on the head with your last sentence. The men are finding them, not the other way around.

Abusers know what to look for. It may not even be a conscious thought process, but they recognize the signs of a person who wants to please, who can be broken. They also know how to hide the evil part of their personality until they can make it difficult for the victim to extricate themselves.


Abusive men look out for women who are vulnerable, particularly those who have been abused before, have very low self esteem or have one or more mental illnesses.

They are very strategic. They start by being kind to their victim, making them feel good about themselves, the victim opens up, and over time, they start to make small remarks or get annoyed or jealous about things others generally wouldn’t. But it’s not anything major, so the victim lets it go because most of the time he’s great. Then the comments or reactions become more common, but again, when he’s nice, things are perfect, so it’s okay. And maybe the victim might blame themselves (which is what the abuser was hoping for). And the abuser might tell the victim they only act that way because they care. So, over time, the cycle starts gaining momentum. Then one day, after an argument or after the abuser thinks the victim did something wrong, it becomes physical. The abuser apologizes or tells the victim they shouldn’t have done XYZ, otherwise they would not have raised their fist. And the victim believes it.

Things calm down. Everything seems okay (although the victim is walking on eggshells) and the cycle starts all over again.

(This might not be the exact cycle for everyone, of course, but the above is an example).

When/if the victim decides to leave because they feel their life is in more danger by staying or they’ve had enough, the abuser seeks out their next victim. Low self esteem, previously abused and/or has a mental illness.

None of it is the victim’s fault.



I don’t ever talk about this because it’s SUPER HARD but my father considered himself an MRA. He blamed women for everything wrong in his life.

He learned to hate and blame women the same way racism teaches people to hate and blame minorities.

My mother saved us from his abuse but my father insisted that it was misandry that the court wouldn’t grant him custody.

He wanted to write a book about how to bankrupt your ex wife in court like he had done.

He carved the words “bitch” and “slut” into my mother’s car that she used to take us to school. He refused to pay child support.

He kidnapped me twice, he threatened my aunt’s life for trying to stop him. I was terrified to walk home alone for years.

After all this, my sister and I told the judge we didn’t want to see him anymore, the judge told us “children need a father”.

Despite all of this I still value and love the men in my life. I still listen to men.

My father once told me he didn’t think there were any women who were great artists, I told him other wise.

I told him about sexism, about the systematic exclusion of women artists throughout history.

That women had to use male names in order to be published or taken seriously.
He was surprised, he’d never thought of this.

I said “but dad, I’m an artist and a woman” and he said “yes well, you were raised by ME so you are different.”

Yes he was emotionally unstable, but he believed in ideas that are extremely hateful and harmful even for a stable person.

That is what makes a hate crime different from insanity.

That is why it’s important to talk about sexism, racism, homophobia and transphobia.

That is why it’s important to talk about how sexism effects all people, across the board.

These are human lives and human rights at risk. Stand up against toxic ideas, listen to people who are hurt by them.




Reading about abusive men and the way they think. Very unsettling and an incredible book so far. Here are my very professional notes.

what book is this?

This is from “Why Does He DO That” by Lundy Bancroft.




Reading about abusive men and the way they think. Very unsettling and an incredible book so far. Here are my very professional notes.

what book is this?

This is from “Why Does He DO That” by Lundy Bancroft.



Marina Diamandis (of Marina and the Diamonds) is laying the smackdown on twitter right now and I am in love with her for it. 

Human beings are more important than art.



Marina Diamandis (of Marina and the Diamonds) is laying the smackdown on twitter right now and I am in love with her for it. 

Human beings are more important than art.

(Source: sleightorchestra)




I Want To Be A Monster

I… shit…




"if you feminists want equality does that mean you think it’s cool if men hit women?" how about 1 in 3 women experience domestic violence you giant dookie. how about men already do hit women. how about domestic violence is the no.1 cause of injury to women between ages 15 & 44. how about i switch your apple juice with piss. how about that.



(Source: slayboybunny)



Ok Dr. Phil’s wife, Robin, (yes groan, but listen up) has this new app out (iPhone and Android) that’s for people in abusive relationships. It’s called Aspire News and it’s disguised as a regular news app, but when you go to the “Help” section of the app, it leads you to domestic violence resources and also has a “Go Button” that when you press it, if you’re in a compromising situation, alerts local authorities as well as local shelters and starts recording everything that is going on.

Now, if you’re looking up resources on the app and your abuser is near, simply press the X button and it brings you to a random news page. Same goes for the actual foundation site.




I can recognize symptoms of domestic violence and abuse in a second, but when I was in the middle of it, it didn’t look anything like I expected. I was in love. I imagined a daughter, a domestic life. People don’t always get along, I thought. Lovers fight. It’s different because we’re both women. It’s different because we’re both writers. Both passionate.

Toward the end of our relationship, she told me a story about her teacher’s two cats.

“They’re so tightly bonded, they do everything together,” she said. “They eat together, sleep together, and even move together. But sometimes, they tear each other apart, because they’re so close. Kind of like us.”

If it ever looks like this, I am telling you to run.

- Olivia Q (via feedyorhead)

Five False Types of “Mutual Abuse” [Trigger warning for detailed descriptions of abuse, gaslighting]


A lot of talk about “mutual abuse” has been flying around my dash recently to describe relationships where “both parties fucked up.” And I’m uncomfortable with it.

You guys, I have seen first-hand a good number of relationships described as “mutually abusive” by victims, bystanders, and (most especially) perpetrators. But I have never seen first-hand a relationship that could actually, fairly be described as “mutually abusive.”

If mutually abusive relationships do exist, it’s clear to me that they are a small minority of the abusive relationships that get classed initially as “mutual.” Overwhelmingly, accusations of “mutual abuse” are leveraged by abusers against survivors as a way of obfuscating power dynamics, psychologically harming the survivor and controlling their sense of reality (gaslighting), and choking the survivor off from community support and safety. Less commonplace—but still frequent—declarations of “mutual abuse” come from enablers who further the abuser’s pattern of psychological/emotional violence, bystanders who are profoundly confused, and survivors/victims who have internalized their abuser’s justifications, deflections, and need to establish dominance.

It’s been my observation that perpetrators and their sympathizers all make variations on just a few, tired arguments about how the abuse was “mutual.” As you read them, keep in mind how all of these tactics uphold a truly abusive and unsafe paradigm that gives the abuser power, minimizes the bigger picture, and robs the victim/survivor of agency. 

1. “But he had the nerve to *defend* himself!”

Read More

[TW: domestic violence]

The other question everybody asks is, why doesn’t she just leave? Why didn’t I walk out? I could have left any time. To me, this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask, because we victims know something you usually don’t: It’s incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser. Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern is kill her. Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders happen after the victim has ended the relationship, after she’s gotten out, because then the abuser has nothing left to lose. Other outcomes include long-term stalking, even after the abuser remarries; denial of financial resources; and manipulation of the family court system to terrify the victim and her children, who are regularly forced by family court judges to spend unsupervised time with the man who beat their mother. And still we ask, why doesn’t she just leave?


“Why domestic violence victims don’t leave” -  Leslie Morgan Steiner (via childofweakness)

The question itself is part of a system of oppression. It’s not a real inquiry, it’s a reminder that abuse is a problem that the abused person should solve.

If it were a sincere inquiry, we’d hear, just as often, “If he was unhappy, why didn’t he leave instead of beating her?” But we don’t hear that.

(via tvandcomplaints)

(Source: ted.com)